You are here: Home / Archives for Humor

Why do bananas get all the love?

January 10, 2012 by 9 Comments

Please, pretty please, can some fabulous inventor ‘invent‘ the Rice Cake Guard?

All you need to do is take this:

Awkward, but brilliant.

And modify it for this:

A staple for most competitors...at least this one!

And if you want to make an elite or special edition version, create one with a small leak proof snap on container that holds 1 tbsp of nut butter in it. Oh, and a wee little knife that snaps onto the case will make us deliriously happy.

You will be a bazillionaire once you are ‘discovered‘ by the crazy world of bodybuilding.

Heck, no need to be discovered; I will tell them all about you.

Who’s on it?

Filed Under: Blog · Tagged With: , ,

Reason No. 87 I’m Going to Hell In A Handbasket

January 9, 2012 by 12 Comments

I laugh at other people’s awkward, embarrassing, and painful moments.

The truth be told, I could totally see this happening to me. In fact, equally hilarious and horrible things have happened to me many, many times.

I watched it and immediately showed it to my very nice husband.

  • My response: Gasping for air while laughing hysterically. Words were not required.
  • My husband’s response: Oh no! Are they ok? What happened to their head? Oh no….ouch!

While he furrowed his brow and asked appropriate, kind hearted questions I watched it again and again and got the best ab workout I’ve had in awhile.

I am obviously going to hell.

You coming with?

Filed Under: Blog · Tagged With: ,

An Official Request For Mother Nature

January 3, 2012 by 3 Comments

Dear Mother Nature,

Over the past 3 decades, I have come to appreciate that women’s bodies are not perfect and that you build us to store fat so that we can survive through long winters, drought, and famine. When the epic and horrible things in life happen we withstand and conquer because we are created to do so. We outlive men, take care of children, and seem to keep going like the energizer bunny no matter what life hands us.

Perfect.

I also appreciate that the women on the magazine covers are airbrushed and their abs, tricep definition, and small waists are fabulous, but they aren’t quite THAT fabulous in real life.

Cellulite, dimples, imperfections, and all the things that make them less than perfect are erased with a few clicks of a mouse.

I am relieved to know that most women struggle with body image issues just like me, that no one is perfect, and even fitness models require ‘fixing up‘ to be featured on the cover a magazine.

Here’s my simple request:

Please stop with the crow’s feet and acne at the same time.

Seriously.

There is enough to accept, love, and overcome in the battle of appreciating what we see in the mirror without having to balance puberty and aging at the same time.

I am truly flattered that you think we are all Superwomen and able to keep flying no matter what, but something has got to give!.

Harder than it looks!

Consider this my official vote for ‘skin blemishes‘.

Sincerely,

A rather annoyed Superwoman

Filed Under: Blog · Tagged With: ,

Cardio King and Weight Lifting Queen

December 15, 2011 by 16 Comments

Every day I can be found training alone at the YMCA.

My headphones are in and I am contemplating the great mysteries of life while I push heavy stuff around.

The most amazing thoughts and realizations about life and what I want come to me when my body is pushing itself to physical failure.

All the men in the weight area are used to the lady in the lulus that furrows her brow, is dripping sweat, and writing copious notes about her latest realization in life on the back of her split.

‘Who? Oh that’s just Donloree, you ll get used to her!”

Yesterday there was a man being squished by the Hack Squat machine and I barely realized he was being pressed into the shape of an accordion until he started waving furiously and yelling for help.

I finally realized what was happening, ran over and locked the machine into place, and the demonstrated how the safety keeps you from being squished to death.

He honestly thought he was going to die.

For my birthday, my husband offered to train with me. Bless his heart. He gets major points for spending time with me doing something that I love and he hates.

We never train together due to my severe dislike of things like running and his desire to chit chat and mingle while working out. He is a Cardio King and I am a Weight Lifting Queen.

Apparently opposites do attract.

It was chest and biceps with a little HIIT thrown in for good measure.

The perfect birthday workout.

DL – So we are going to do 7 flat presses…

Cardio King – Reps…or sets?

DL – Sets. Then we are supersetting flyes and decline bosu pushups for a few sets, followed by a few supersets of barbell curls and hammer curls. Let’s do this thing!

Cardio King – Oh boy…!

The running commentary was priceless.

  • You’re not just pretty, you’re TOUGH too.
  • Your muscles are all big and puffy right now. Seriously!
  • Wow. That’s heavy!
  • Do you think you’re too intense?
  • Oh man, I have to keep up!
  • Are you going to…lift that?
  • This is convenient, we use the same weights!
  • So we just work on two body parts? Just two?

It was hard to keep focussed and not laugh hysterically.

He was glad we at least got in 10 minutes of HIIT treadmill sprints. He creamed me by doing 10 mph sprints without barely breaking a sweat. My 8 mph sprints seemed slow and slovenly compared to what the Cardio King was able to do.

He kicked the HIIT’s arse while the HIIT kicked mine.

Do you train with your significant other? If so, is it this hilarious?

Filed Under: Blog · Tagged With: , ,

Cupcakes with a Side of Chicken Breast

December 13, 2011 by 25 Comments

Its my birthday and I will eat cupcakes if I want to!

Last year I stuck to my plan and did not veer from my set macros. I was a good competitor. Salmon, vegetables, and black coffee comprised my birthday meal and I watched my husband eat my complimentary mudslide pie at The Keg.

Boring.

This year I am being ridiculous and eating all my carbs, and probably a bunch more, in cupcakes.

After my usual Tuesday morning client meetings, I went to Whimsical to pick out a cupcake (or three) to celebrate my birthday.

Trouble with a Capital T!!

The smell of butter and sugar assaulted my senses the moment the door opened.

I swooned.

My macro counting OCD self could not be contained and I had to ask the college aged boy behind the counter if there was any nutritional information available.

DL – Mmmm! So delicious looking. Wow. What to get?

College Aged Boy – Oh the Red Velvet is the flavor of the day. You could get that one. Its AMAZING.

DL - Totally. Do you, I know this is kinda weird, but do you have…uh…nutritional information available?

College Aged Boy - No….but I can tell you all the ingredients if you want. We use real ingredients. Butter, lots of butter. Real butter. Always butter, and then flour and sugar….

DL - (wanting to stick my fingers in my ears and say ‘la-la-la’) Ok. Butter. Lots and lots of butter. Got it. Its my birthday! I rarely ever eat treats and I want a treat today. Who cares, right? Right.

College Aged Boy - Its your BIRTHDAY? WOW! You should get the 12 pack. YES!

DL - Uh…I was more thinking 1, maybe 2 cupcakes. Twelve is a bit over the top….even if it IS my birthday.

College Aged Boy - No, that would be crazy….crazy GOOD, but I know what you mean. Hah! The pack of mini cupcakes….all twelve flavors AND the flavor of the day which is Red Velvet. Did I tell you about the Red Velvet? Its AMAZING. And they are on special today….for your birthday!

DL - (with arms raised and twirling) SOLD!!!

Who knew a woman could be so happy about cupcakes?!?

Such a great idea. I had spent some time looking at all the flavors online and I had no idea which ones to pick. I wanted all of them! I mean, how does a girl pick such things?!

  • Nostalgia. Vanilla & Chocolate Cupcakes topped with Vanilla or Chocolate SUGAR FROSTINGS.
  • Chocolate2 Chocolate cupcake topped with Chocolate Sugar Frosting and Dark Chocolate Sprinkles.
  • Snowball. Vanilla Cupcake topped with a TART lemon SUGAR frosting rolled in COCONUT.
  • Mint Crumbles. Chocolate cupcake topped with a mint frosing and crushed oreo cookies.
  • Raspberry Lemonade. LEMON ZEST Cupcake topped with a RASPBERRY buttercream.
  • New Yorker. Mocha cupcake topped with a MOCHA buttercream and a Chocolate ESPRESSO bean.
  • PeanutButter Bliss. Chocolate cupcake topped with a Peanut Butter Buttercream.
  • Berry Lovely. Strawberry cupcake topped with vanilla buttercream and Kiss of RASPBERRY buttercream.
  • Mango’mia. Coconut cupcake topped with a MANGO buttercream.
  • Envied. Almond cupcake topped with an almond PISTACHIO buttercream.
  • Salted Caramel. Chocolate cupcake topped with a CARAMEL frosting, SKOR bits & drizzled with CARAMEL.

One of each it is!

I was a good competitor and put chicken in the oven at 4:30 this morning. I’ve got to get my protein in somehow, what with all these sugary, butter filled mini cupcakes burning up more than my fair share of macros today.

Totally normal....

Its a good thing I have an afternoon of shopping planned, some brisk walking should burn off at least one mini cupcake.

Got to fuel the Christmas shopping adventure. Coffee + cupcake = one peppy Donloree

Or I may slip into a diabetic coma and die a sugary death.

But what a way to go!

 

Filed Under: Blog · Tagged With: ,

Ziplocs Turn You Into Superwoman

December 11, 2011 by 10 Comments

I love Christmas.

Yup, I am the woman that put her Christmas tree up on Remembrance Day weekend.

Every Christmas tree needs a good, old fashioned hug now and again....right?

There is something about plugging the Christmas tree in at 4:30 am and having the colorful glow fill my living room that puts me in a fabulous mood. That and three cups of coffee.

I also love Christmas baking.

Apparently there are people that can ‘just have one‘.  These people most likely can walk on water, fly, and are able to accomplish other superhuman feats.

I am not one of those people.

In my world, ‘just one’ is a tipping point for things like:

  • Just a smidgen more
  • A sliver
  • Teensy bite
  • Taste
  • Baby sized piece
  • Half
  • ‘How about we share that?‘

There is nothing wrong with any one of those things. It is when you do ALL of those things several times that your pants become tighter than you would like.

With my beloved Christmas come holiday parties and with more fabulous baking than is reasonable.

Holy delicious temptation!

So what’s a girl to do? You’ve gotta live and ‘just one‘ cookie really isn’t going to kill you. 

Ziploc to the rescue!

My fabulous hostess supplied me with a Ziploc to put a few treats in so that I could indulge later when more was not available.

These treats are from the 'peanut butter' family. Did you think I would choose anything else?!

I made my choice on what I was going to eat later and tucked them away safely in my purse. I enjoyed several cups of coffee and fabulous conversation with people I haven’t seen in a very long time without wondering how to have ‘just one’.

Coconut Island, Mocha Java, and French Roast were all drank with much appreciation.

Turns out I had ‘just three‘ on the way home in the car. I scored a peanut butter cookie with a mini peanut butter cup baked right into it.

Glorious!

Planning ahead made this splurge possible and kept me pretty close to my macros today.

Ziploc is the best! Who knew they would turn me into superwoman?!

If I put them on my feet, do you think I can walk on water?

Filed Under: Blog · Tagged With: , ,

Running Sucks

December 7, 2011 by 25 Comments

I hate running.

There really is no way to put it nicely. Despise, dislike, loathe, kick in the head, torture, and near death are all words that come to my head when I think about running.

This morning I woke up with determination. I had to face the ridiculous 10 kilometers a running Fitmas challenge that someone dreamt up.

I won’t mention any names, but I REALLY hate her today too.

Staring your day off in such a state is no way to live, so I had 3 cups of coffee, kasha, and a pep talk.

‘Look here Donloree. Right here. In the eyes. That’s better. Get your sorry, complaining arse in motion. You can do this. Heck, you ran 18km on Canada Day no problem. What’s a mere 10km in 50 minutes? You ARE doing this. Now. Go. Make me proud and run like the superstar that you are!’

I begrudgingly put on my down-filled coat, grabbed my bazillion bags full of clothes, food, and work and went to the car.

Upon arriving at the gym I stood in front of my locker, still wearing my down-filled coat, and scowled.

Twenty minutes later I was suited up and ready to run, but I was not on the treadmill I was ‘too busy’ catching up on emails and texts to start the torture. Even my cute matchy-matchy Under Armour shoes did nothing to help my mood.

There I sat in a very grumpalicious state.

I have always been a determined woman, even at a very young age I knew exactly what I liked and didn’t like, and nothing can change my mind.

Borscht is one of my least favorite things on the planet; its right up there with broccoli in my world. When I was about 8 years old I had a borscht stand off with my mom and grandma. I refused to eat it. No other options were given and I sat in front of the stone cold bowl of borscht for 2 hours while the rest of the family ate chocolate cake and played games. After what seemed like an eternity it was finally time to go home.

Donloree – 1, Borscht – 0

There are a few plausible excuses for my crappy attitude this morning.

Reason #1 – Sore legs

I trained my legs hard on Monday. During the last set of weighted backwards lunges that were superset with lying leg presses I fell over. My legs had turned into a quivering mass of flesh and I still had extensions to complete.

Needless to say, I am sore.

Reason #2 – Slow moving

I eat a lot of veggies and fruit which would make one think I wouldn’t have any GI issues at all.

This is not the case, which is why I picked up something new at the grocery store today.

What is the world coming to?

Desperate times call for desperate measures.

Reason #3 – Indoor running

People always tell me that running indoors and outdoors is ‘so different!‘

I agree.

When you run outside, you have to run back. You can’t just give up and be done when it totally sucks, and it will totally suck, and don’t forget about the hills, stairs, ice, and other madness to overcome.

Reason #4 – Never experienced the Runner’s High

The runner’s high is as believable as the Loch Ness Monster in my world. It is a fable that someone made up years ago, a few people believed it or decided they experienced it, and now the whole world knows about it because no one is willing to admit it never existed in the first place.

An excellent example of group think gone bad.

Reason #5 – I never was a Cardio Queen

Many women will admit that they first came to love the gym through cardio.

I am not one of these women.

Participation in running groups was to lose weight and I hated it every single week. The only reason I continued to go was because I paid money for the classes and my friends were going. Peer pressure and being cheap helped me drop the first 40 or so pounds, but then I had enough, got a membership at the YMCA, and started Body for Life.

Mimicking the movements depicted by lean people in a book helped me find a passion I never knew existed.

Iron all the way baby!

Honestly, I would rather watch paint dry than run.

I leverage all of my discipline,got my grumpalicious arse in motion, and started running.

After what seemed like an eternity, I decided to check my progress.

3:27 minutes and .3 miles complete.

Instead of having a stroke like I wanted to, I finished my hour of cardio on the bike and caught up with my fabulous Twitter friends.

Does this mean I have to try the 10km Fitmas Challenge again on Saturday? Someone write me a note so I can get out of class!

Am I the only one that HATES running?

Filed Under: Blog · Tagged With: , ,

Women Need To Come With Instruction Manuals

November 30, 2011 by 16 Comments

I was born on the first day of Christmas, December 13. My husband appreciates and hates this fact about me.

Appreciates – Only one month a year where ‘big gifts‘ need to be purchased.

Hates – Two ‘big gifts‘ need to be purchased in the same month!

I love gifts.

Every single birthday growing up, I found a small gift on my plate at the breakfast table from my mom.

Something fun and cute to kick off the one day of the year that is all about you!

Eleven years ago it was my first birthday being married and no cute, small present appeared on my breakfast plate. Yes, I am apparently THAT old.

I was crushed and my husband was totally confused.

Apparently men can’t read minds.

I am one of the most complex women on the planet to buy gifts for. I like what I like and I have very particular tastes and preferences.

In my not so humble opinion, there is a night and day difference between even the simplest things.

How about I make it even more complex?

I don’t like the gifts that he used to be able to get me without having to think too hard. Chocolate with a great bottle of wine, an expensive dinner out, surprise lattes, cupcakes, or a movie with popcorn drenched in butter and peanut butter M&M’s no longer fit into the ‘acceptable gift‘ category.

Somehow I don’t think my husband is the only man suffering from the woes of purchasing a gift for a woman who’s hobby in life is fitness.

Women really should come with instruction manuals that get updated on a yearly basis.

Last year for my birthday, I saved him from my high maintenance gift requirements and bought myself the fantabulous Core bag from LiveWell360, which I totally adore.

It has a shoe compartment...need I say more?

Tomorrow is December. It’s two weeks away from my birthday and I feel like saving the love of my life from the stress of trying to figure out what to get me for my birthday and Christmas.

Chapter 2,856 of the Donloree Instruction Manual – Buying Gifts in 2012.

So what fitness item do I need?

There are these crazy glove-esque things called Versa Gripps, and I am wondering if I need a pair for back day. My grip seems to falter way before my back while doing sumo DL’s and I have man callouses on my hands.

I know, SO sexy.

Strangest looking things on the planet....but if they help the man callous situation...well...

Or perhaps there is a cute, yet highly functional weight belt that I need since I don’t have one of those either?

What is your favorite fitness item, bag, accessory, clothing….thing?

Filed Under: Blog · Tagged With: , ,

Three Things You Should NEVER Ask a Competitor

November 17, 2011 by 21 Comments

I love talking about competing, training, body image, peak week, fake tans, bedazzled bikinis, and all sorts of other random things when it comes to the world of competing, but over the past few years there are a few questions that make me want to scream.

Unless you want to hear me scream, please don’t ask me these questions anymore.

Can’t you have just one?

Nope. If I could, I would. Seriously. I do not think saying no to cheesecake, brownies, ice cream, and high sugar foods makes me better than anyone else. In all honesty I would probably trade you my left arm for a free pass at the Christmas buffet some days.

I like chocolate. I like cake. I LOVE carbs.

And don’t get me started on the nut butter…

So no, I can’t just have one and I don’t want to explain why, just trust me on this one.

Are you hungry?

The answer is YES. Always yes. When you hear my stomach flopping around in my belly making the hungry noise it doesn’t mean I get to eat.

This is why I eat a jar of pickles every three days. Kosher dill pickles are the on ‘macro-free‘ treat that doesn’t make the scale protest the next morning.

And yes, I have taken them to the movies to snack on. I am THAT woman.

If you ask me if I am hungry, I will require that you allow me to smell your food whenever and for however long I would like for the rest of eternity.

It only seems fair.

Is it hard?

That noise you hear is the sound of my eyelids blinking at a rate faster than a hummingbird’s wings. Of course it is hard, does it look easy?

Hard doesn’t mean that I don’t like it, that I should stop, or that I am a masochist.

I’m pretty sure being a parent is hard, but no one is telling parents to just ‘stop parenting, eat cake, and stop being so disciplined!‘

Phew! 

Now you won’t get your head bitten off by a hangry competitor any time soon.

I really am a woman for the people.

What questions do you hate being asked?

Filed Under: Blog · Tagged With: , ,

Under Armour RC Charge – Freakishly Amazing

November 10, 2011 by 12 Comments

I seriously love shoes.

When people come to my house for the first time and see my diverse shoe collection which is crammed into a over the door shoe holder thing, the usual response is an audible gasp immediately followed by, ‘Oh WOW! That’s a lot of shoes…‘.

Shoes travel life with you, showcase your sassy self, and always fit even if you dove head first into the peanut butter jar the night before.

*AHEM*

Imagine my absolute glee when the cutest running shoes on the planet showed up via FedEx!

Meet the distinctly cute Under Armour RC Charge.

I think I made some sort of high pitched 'squeee' noise when I pulled them out of the box. So cute!

As though it were a match made in heaven, they perfectly coordinate with my latest workout outfit.

Perfection! How much more coordinated can a Figure Competitor get?

Cute is good, but functional is GREAT.

I have way too many shoes that are made for ‘sitting‘, so I wanted to give these babies a good beating to make sure they are more than a ‘pretty face‘.

Its go time. Show me what you're made of.

I popped them into my Livewell360 Core bag and put them to the test twice this week.

RC Charge meet leg day and  floor hockey.

I only scored two goals. I think the cuteness distracted me.

I wanted to make sure they lived up to the hype.

“The UA Charge RC’s temperature-regulating HeatGear® upper keeps you cool, while strategic compression provides a custom fit. Underneath is a Carbon Spring Plate that enhances your stride. And, of course, all of it sits on our exclusive UA Micro G® cushioning…for more bounce.”

  • Exclusive UA Micro G® foam cushioning is light, bouncy & super-responsive.
  • Zonal UA Compression hugs the foot & promotes power.
  • Built-in Carbon Spring Plate maximizes energy return.
  • Ultra-light MPZ® toe & tongue pads protect your feet.
  • HeatGear® fabric wicks moisture for cool, dry performance.
  • Carbon & blown rubber outsole delivers cushioning, traction & durability.
  • Weight: 8.5 oz.

Honestly, they are ‘freakishly amazing’.  

Under Armour’s RC Charge is a great shoe and worth the price. This Figure Competitor gives them two thumbs up and will be rocking them every day at 6:30 am while lifting baby weights and not harming the skinny and confused man at the YMCA.

What shoes do you train in? Are the ‘freakishly amazing’ too?

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...
Filed Under: Blog · Tagged With: , , ,
« Previous Page
Next Page »